the new year

So, what's crazy to me is, I graduate in less than a month. It's going to be 2010 in 2 days. I can't believe that. I still remember tenth grade, and even before that, like it was yesturday. It's exciting, yet kind of sad. I'm 18 now though, so i'm going to try and live it up, and keep myself happy. Which has always been hard for me.

One thing I think about 2009; I think it was the BEST movie year ever. So many good movies came out this year.

These aren't huge goals, just things I think I want to do at the start of the year.

Goals:
Lose weight at least before college starts.
Take better care of my body and teeth.
(which includes:) eat healther
Exercise
Buy some clothes, but
Save some money
Spend more time with my family
Start drawing again.


I think that's all I have to say for now. More later.

outie

quick blog

before I go to sleep..

christmas was awesome. I got this laptop :), sims 3 for it, money, 2 new pairs of sweat pants, 3 zip up jackets, a shirt, SOMETHING on my foot ;), Harry Potter and the half blood prince movie and book, harry potter and the order of the pheonix book, ella enchanted, pepper spray, a new steering wheel cover, a black and white checkered vest from adams dad and his gf, bangle bracelets from them also, and the new paramore cd from adam. Julie got me this awesome oil burner, i love it, and gauges. Thank you julie. I'm probably going to run out of oil soon, i've been using it a lot. haha. Hello wal mart.

haha, i think that's it. oh, and his mom got me 3 zaxbys giftcards. i needed those so bad.

I still don't feel 18. But it sucks knowing the only age I have to look forward to now is 21, and then after that....nothing! :X haha.

I've been pretty happy the past few days, or week, and I love that. Me and Adam are getting along good. We were playing patty-cake games at work today. Aha!
I got him Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, which he loves. I knew he would. And this years gym membership.

I'm enjoying this laptop so much, and Sims. I need to stop playing it. Haha.

Anyways, I'm going to try and sleep. Work at 8 in the morning :( :( suuuuuuuuucks.
Gooodnight, i'll try and blog tomorrow.

....

"Everybody has difficult years, but a lot of times the difficult years end up being the greatest years of your whole entire life, if you survive them,"
-Brittany Murphy

today

is my 18th birthday. I am legal right now, and it blows my mind! The past eighteen years of my life have seriously flown by faster than I'd ever imagined. I'm going to start trying to be more happy and laid back, so I can be less stressed out. The past probably, 4 months, have been nothing but stress for me.. and I hate admitting that. I'm going to start being more optimistic and making myself have better days. Most of all, make myself be more positive throughout the day, about everything.

I will be able to get a tattoo now, whenever I want. I already know what I'm getting. :)
I don't feel any older though.

I saw Avatar the other night, and it was ah-maze-ing. I realized again, for the 1200th time, how much I love fantasy movies. It was awesome. It was 3 hours long, and I enjoyed every minute. Take it from this, Adam said it was awesome, the expert at movie-hating and criticizing. To almost EVERY movie we've seen in the past couple years he said "ehh, it was okay." Ha ha. Suprisingly, he did kinda like new moon, which made me really happy. But the scenery in Avatar was like my dream world. Haha.

I love movies though, so when I say a movie is good, it might not be to you. I just enjoy movies so much. But Avatar is the most expensive movie ever made, like over $300 million, and took like 5 years to make. ALSO; the director or creator or producer or something also made Titanic. Which was also awesome.

ANYWAYSSS.....
i CANT wait for xmas.

tomorrow, i'm doing my christmas shopping. I know it's my birthday, but i really need to get it finished. I have so much to do.
I feel like this blog is really long, so i'm outtie.

RIP Brittany Murphy,
Get well soon, Kayla Flinchum.

<3

so i'm getting bored waiting 'round for you

i'm in yearbook and we are having a christmas party. julie and skylar aren't here :( and it's sleeting(?) outside. it's going to snoowww. but i need to get christmas shopping done!

julie you got a little stuffed animal, a horsey. haha. fingernail polish, some glitter, and a "j" necklace from amanda caswell. kailey liked her present.

skylar i don't know what you got. :)
tyler says "i had her. and i got her a red coffee mug from starbucks and it's really cute."

haha. there you go.

anyways. gone for now


laaata

mom

is taking me to get a tattoo soon. i'm so glad she doesn't care, and isn't the mom to get mad about it.
i love her.

hmmm

I'm about to get ready for work.. story of my life. I'm so excited that it's Christmas time. I love it. I just wish it felt more like christmas. I wish we had decorations for work, like we did a while back.

I don't want to work tonight at all. I'm so tired.
I'm thinking about making a facebook. I might do it tomorrow. I won't have time tonight. I just might need some help.

ttyl. :)

Hope for me is a place uncharted and overgrown.

I know that last blog was really depressing. But it's just how I feel right now. I can't handle everything piling up on me. It's just too much. I. NEED.TIME.OFF. Not to drive around and do shit. To lay in my bed and watch a movie and fall asleep. To lay in my bed and relax. I don't EVER get that.

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of the world that she's left behind
It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angels were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick
And the clock struck 12
Well make sure to build your house brick by boring brick
or the wolves gonna blow it down
keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic
If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah
Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

i am

sick of this stupid fucking project
sick of working at least 35 hours a week
sick of not having time for anything
sick of not having time to even think
sick of not having anyone to vent to
sick of not having any help
sick of being used
sick of crying from being stressed out
sick of headaches
sick of talking
sick of everything being unfair
sick of complaining
sick of it not helping
sick of being mad
sick of trying to look pretty
sick of trying to lose weight
sick of test
sick of worrying
sick of thinking
sick of trying
sick of


life.

and i get a little scared,

I just got my hair cut. I'm hoping it will look better once I dye it. If not, oh well.

I want to look like my default picture again. But my hair doesn't take long to grow at all, which is good. I'm not saying I don't like it. I do. The color just makes it look worse I think.

I should be working on my senior project right now. Don't feel like it! I need to get xmas shopping too. :/// i neeed moreeee tiiiime.

My boyfriend's sister's dog died today- He broke out of the door and got hit by a car :'( He was a great dane and was about a year old (but was still huge), blond and adorable. He was so sweet and goofy, you'd love him. I'm in tears just typing this.


It's just so weird that i'll never see that sweet puppy again.
All i can say is, I hope Walker beat the shit out of that car.






i'll miss you like crazy Walker

"Well, she lives in a fairytale, somewhere too far for us to find"

I just finished working out. I'm surprising myself. haha :) And I get to go into work at 6 today, instead of 4. Which gave me a little free time. I have a hair appointment tomorrow and i'm a little scared, and a little excited. I need a change in myself.
I'm going to try and whiten my teeth a little more, too. I've had the stuff, and I used to bleach them every night. I don't know what happened to that. December is tomorrow, it's scary. I will be EIGHTEEN in like 22 DAYS! and I only have 24 to do all my christmas shopping. So I better get on that. I'm hoping to get a tattoo in December. I want it while I'm in high school, because i know that it will be one of the coolest ones, not being cocky, just considering everyone's into barbed wires and dragons and crosses and stupid shit. That's okay, that leaves the cooler ones for the cooler people :D :D

These blogs make me feel like I'm talking to myself, but just a little better. haha

Julie, we should go to the tanning bed soon. I know I could've just texted you that, oh well!
I figured you'd like reading it in here.


I'm dreading six o clock.

I settled down, a twisted up frown
disguised as a smile, well
You would have never known
I had it all but not what i wanted
'cause hope for me was a place uncharted
And overgrown

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

Open your eyes like i opened mine
It's only the real world
A life you will never know
Shifting your weight to throw off the pain
Well you can ignore it
But only for so long

changes

I actually worked out yesterday, for like 20 minutes. I was very proud of myself. I'm going to try and start doing that more often, but the problem is finding the time. I'm also going to try and start eating better. I need to. My senior project needs to be first priority right now, and I'm trying. I have a lot left to do, and only a little time. But I'm trying not to worry too much about it. And, like I said, I take the placement test at the college in the next few weeks (Dec 8th) however many weeks that is. And of course I'm worried about that. I'm scared about college in general. I don't really want to go. I've realized how easy high school is, and in high school you feel protected and what not. And in college they just let you go. I guess that's good in some ways, and bad in others. But what choice do I have? My childhood has flew by me.

The truth never set me free, so I did it myself.

I've come to realize that my life will never be exactly the way I want it. I want to please everyone. But I can't. I want to always be happy. But I can't. There is no perfect life, and so I don't see what everyone is striving for. I've came to the understanding that I will continue to work my butt off for anything in life. It never ends, high school, college, and then career. I will always be pushing myself to work and I will never be able to stop. I feel like i'm going and going all day. Like the world is going to fast and i can't catch up, but it keeps going. I feel like my sleep is not enough. I sleep like a rock, wake up in the same position i fell asleep in (which isn't like me), and still wake up tired. Struggling to stay awake all day. My dreams are never good. They always consist of me running from something, trying to get out of trouble, trying to catch up to someone, or something like that. It's weird. And i'm guessing it's just from me being tired.

And the worst part is, realizing that life won't meet you halfway. It's never exactly how you want it, and never will be. You'll always want a little more. Hope never seems close enough. Relaxing never seems close enough. I'm sorry if this is depressing. I'm just in that mood.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, i love thanksgiving. I'm excited to have a day off. Which is pathetic. Also to have a day to spend with my family. I never feel like I get enough time with them. My little sister and little cousins are growing up so fast it's scary. And it's scary to me that I will be 18 in 26 days. Wow. I don't feel like an adult at all.

I got accepted to dccc, like its a big deal, haha. Who doesn't? Anyways. I take the placement test December 8th. I'm going to need to studddyyy. But I don't know when to find the time. I have no idea where to go to take the test either. I've never set foot at that college, only me in my car that I didn't get out of. And they never tell you anything there :( like i said, i don't feel like an adult. ha.

I feel like this blog is really long. So i'm going to stop and try and go to bed. I'm worn outttt.

bored

SHA LA LA LA LAAAA. LA LA LA LAAAAAAAAA

Work completely sucked tonight. We close at 10, and this group of 3 comes in at 9:50 and interrupts my cleaning....and they not only get 3 footlongs and everything to go on and with them, but they decide TO EAT IN. How. Why. Really? I would never do that. We didn't walk out the door until 10:45 because they left at 10:35. Howww stupid.

Enough of that. Today was an okay day. I like being at school on the days that I have to work. And I don't know why. I guess being anywhere away from work makes me feel better.

My hair is nasty, and I need a bath. But i'm too lazy right now, and i'm tired and aching. Plus, I would just lay in there relaxing and it would take me like 2 hours. My mom calls it my "princess baths," but it's really not like that. Haha. I just think the hot water feels good.. and I'm usually watching something. It's one of the few times I get to relax and think and one of the very few times that my body actually feels good.
Now I kinda want to take one.
Maaaan.

But i'm not. So goodnight. :)

capture and embrace

There are things in this world, that for some people, aren't easy to come by. Some people don't have a nice car, or a car at that, a house of their own, or even a roof over their head. And you do, you have everything you've ever asked for. It makes me sick to see that it isn't enough for you, and you still find room to complain about everything you've BEEN GIVEN. Keyword- given. Not earned or worked for, or payed for.....given. Given to you with no papers, no bills, no payments what-so-ever. Nothing, just handed to you. For some reason, the more you've complained, the more people have given you what you want. But people are starting to see right through you. Not everyone, but enough. You've got it coming, people like you always do. I thank God that I'm not as blind and selfish and ungrateful as you are, and never will be. If I was handed $109,000,000 right now, I still would be more grateful than you, and that's a shame. :)

"AT ANY RATE,"
I just got home from work not long ago. Now it's time for bed, of course. Ahhhh, bed sounds so good right now. My feet and back hurt so bad. I also have a headache. Sleeping will take care of that, though, for now.

And for now, goodnight

Dear Julie Pickett,

I would like to thank you for creating this profile for me, without you I don't think this could be completed. I greatly appreciate your help with it, and showing me the ropes.

Thanks again.
Sincerely,
Scrooge